The Until Again Journal

My journey through infant loss + grief

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  • Happy One Month

    Happy One Month Sweet Girl 

    Today we would be celebrating you as you turn one month old. We would be getting you dressed up cute in a little outfit and a bow, grabbing all the things to use for your one month old photo, and I would be rushing to snap a good photo of you with it all set up before you had time to cry or pull off your bow. Peyton would be either helping me do it, or messing it up. It should’ve been a chaotic 30 seconds of me trying to get “the shot”. 

    But instead, Peyton is with a friend, I am all alone in a quiet house, I am on my knees setting up your things that you should be in, taking your one month old photo without you. I pulled out and cleaned the baby pillow that we used to take each of Peyton’s “month photos” in, and laid it by the window. I laid out the blanket we kept you in during our short time with you, the only “clothing” you ever wore. I positioned the onesie that I had ordered for you the day before you passed, that should’ve been what we took your newborn photos in. And then I laid down the “one month” sign that was intended to capture your “one month old” photo, but instead captures your “one month without you” photo. The silence that consumed me in that moment brought me to tears. I should’ve been having my 30 seconds of chaos during this moment, not peace and silence.

     This morning has felt so empty without you here. As I sat next to your things, through the tears, I told you how happy I was to know where you were. To know that you were full of joy, smiling, laughing, and just so happy in heaven. To know that you are in a place much more beautiful and perfect than here. And though I miss you and wish I could be the one to take care of you today, I was reminded that you have Jesus there to take care of you. To hold you, to love you, to comfort you. And who better to do that than your parents. This month without you has been so hard, but we are grateful that God has given us the strength and peace to keep going. We know we will hold you again one day sweet girl. Mommy and daddy love you so much Olivia, so so much. 

    Happy One Month

  • Welcome to The Until Again Journal

    On May 19th, 2025, our world changed forever when we lost our second baby girl, Olivia, to a sudden placenta abruption. Nothing can prepare you for the kind of grief that follows the sudden loss of your baby – the one you carried, dreamt about, and loved beyond words. The Until Again Journal is my place to honor her life and navigate this new aching space in my heart. This platform is a place where I plan to share my raw thoughts, the weight of my heartache, and the quiet moments of peace I find along the way.

    The name “Until Again” came from a thought that I would journal all my thoughts and feelings for Olivia until I see her again. A reminder of God’s promise that through Him I will get to hold her again.

    This journal will not just about grief – it’s about love, motherhood, faith, and the journey of living in the aftermath of unimaginable loss. Whether you’re here because you know this kind of sorrow, or you’re simply walking beside someone who does, I hope my words make you feel seen, understood, and less alone. This platform is for Olivia, and it’s for every mama learning how to breathe again after goodbye – or until they see their child again.

    Thank you for being here 🕊️